My biggest fear

Hello dear Listeners,

Right now I wanna share with you something for various reasons.
1. That you see you are not alone out there.

2. To get things off my mind.


I will start in the past, so let us begin.

I was in an educational dance program 2013 in Germany Nürnberg. This program is 3 years long. In this program you just dance and have shows at least 2 times a year and you get a certificate as a Dancer and as a Dance teacher (if you decide to do both).

The first year was really tiring for me from the start, not only did I and my family not have enough money and struggled each month to pay Rent (I lived on my own, my parents had many other problems) but also the school fee each month and of course something to live, money for food, water and the necessary supplies to exist. The firs months I did not really make friends because I felt as an outsider for various reasons we do not need to discuss right now. In December and Jnuary I started making friends with people from my class and with higher classes, where I also became best friends with one guy let’s call him “John”. With the people in my class I had a lot of fun and even though I did not have money they would still invite me to go out with them so that’s what I did. So end of January came and a girl had her birthday party, a lot happened that night but we will focus on one point.  That night I went out with her, and with her I mean the most beautiful lady I know. She just broke up with her ex-boyfriend so she just wanted to have fun, so fun meant that night kissing and dancing pretty close to each other and all of that just to hear from her that it was just an “exception”. She never understood what that night did to me. The feelings she made me feel were incredible, and spoiler alert, still are. She made me forget what happens and just enjoy the momen, I fell in love with her that night but she never saw that. One week later she got together with my best friend John.

I was pissed. I think everyone would be pissed, but I still adored her and couldn’t stop, and to be more precise I did not wanted to stop. She always wanted me around and started seeing me as her good friend, I helped her in many situations in life and even pretended to be Gay and that John was my boyfriend. Short distraction  I AM NOT HOMOPHOBIC. I accept everyone for what they are and everyone is equally loved.


I straightened her life in many ways, helped her get rid of insecurities and often cleared misunderstandings that stood between her and John.

Those were 2 years, I bloomed as a Dancer and was 1 year away from graduating but then it came. Then I was diagnosed with testicle cancer in the worst stadium. The testicle was removed the next day but the problem was it had spread near the stomach so yeah.

I had a 5,3 cm big cancer knot in my body that tried to eat me from inside, so what solution is there?
Chemotherapy but where do I go to make it. I decided to go back to my parents and do it there. Of course I had to stop the Program and I said goodbye to everyone that I held dear and many people told me I will be there if you need anything, They weren’t there at all.

So what hapened  was following. The girl I fell in love with and did not wanted to let go started visiting me for hours, something she never did, she even lied to her boyfriend jsut to stay by my side but for me at that moment was a goodbye. The end of this chapter in my life but I thought wrong. One week later she came to me and told me that she may be feeling something for me so we started this “relationship”. I beat most of the cancer and do not need any new therapy till today, but it left scars not only physically but more on the soul. I started hating me for a lot of reasons, and a lot happened this past 2 years.
We are happily together till today, we argue and we have big problems between us but we manage somehow and that is beautifull for me. But there is that one problem from my side ,which is my biggest fear.

Out there in the World there are so many better people than me. Better looking, smarter, they can treat her better and give her more of what she needs, but most of all they are “healthier” than I am. First of all I had cancer and there ist still a 2,2mm knot in my body that can harm me any day. The Chemotherapy destroyed my body, I have so many problems because of that. I am a Dancer which means that even money is something I can’t be proud of (Money is not important of course not but still it is needed in our society today). My Body looks (in my eyes) like a mess because of 2 scars I have of which one is pretty visible and I also suffer from Dermatophagia (a desease were the person chews of his own flesh and eats it, for me it is the fingers and the feet). I am not good for her is what my head says, I love her is what my heart says. Now we live almost 300 km apart and not only is it hard because we both need someone in our life and besides us in this phase of life. The worst part is I am afraid that she will find that better person, someone who is beside her and is there for her more than I can be right now. Someone who does not have such a fucking awful body, and most of all who is not sick.
I trust her, I really trust her I just hate myself so much that I sometimes even wish she would find somebody better than me, but then again I don’t want her to leave because I love her so much.


Picture by Tim Marshall

Text by Patrick

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