I will post something personal again today, something that I recently lived myself.
A Panic Attack.
I am not really a steady person, I fight really hard every day but sometimes I can’t contain myself. That is not good and I know it. I need to change but that is not for now.
The reasons why people get Panic attacks are many, from traumatas, thoughts that are not supposed to be there and a lot more I can’t even comprehend. For me I don’t know how it starts but as soon as it starts I can feel it crawling inside my head and pushing thoughts that destroy me slowly but steady. Thoughts that have no real explanation, I do things and say things I actually don’t want to say. I make my own life misserable without noticing it at the exact momentuntil it is to late. Until I destroy everything I have, my relationship, my own body, my mind, my life.
For the first time in my life it was to an extent in which I was afraid of myself and asked for help from a very close friend, which I got, and somehow managed to calm me down but before that it was a disaster.
As kids, and even adults, as soon as we see the light from the lighting we start counting until we can hear the thunder, and even though we know it is coming we just panic for a second. Or the toaster. You sit in front of the toaster and think to your self “Know it will pop” and as soon as it does your heart just stops for a second and you scare the crap out of it. You can’t do anything except to wait for it and wait, and wait, and wait and…… then it is to late, you are being attacked by your own mind. The thunder strikes and the toast jumps out of the toaster and you just panic.
For me it is extremley hard. I just started having thoughts that were not supposed to be there, I wrote a message that I didn’t even quite remember but did not even wanted to and of course that person got pissed at me. It is totally right to get pissed at me at this point if I am being so rude. The next day I saw what I did wrong and realised what the actual point was that I wanted to do but for some dumb reason, i couldn’t. So I destroyed my life at this point, and my head started going places, dark places in which I started hating myself more and more. I had no answer for what is right so I followed my Impulse which was hitting a wall as hard as I can, and it relaxed me for a few seconds till it returned. It got worse and worse, I layed in Bed screamng to myself that I should stop and after a few minutes of me yelling I listened to myself for almost half an hour. After that half hour, it got worse. My head started screaming with insults and things I did wrong in my life, decisions that I hate myself for years now, screaming how lonely I am and that I don’t even deserve to be here. I layed in bed in mentally pain, it hurt so much inside I couldn’t do anything except of pushing this pain outside which meant at that point pulling my hair as hard as I can, needles to say it did not hellp at all. During this whole scene I was just hyper ventilating to the point were my muscles contracted so hard I was close to puking.
After that my head started turning even more to a monster inside of me and I just wanted some kind of relief, thanks to my self discipline I could evade at least that for the moment, so I decided to go for a walk and yes that helped really a lot. During the walk I had a few thoughts here nd there but I calmed down quite a lot, enough to start thinking calm.
Back at the place I live at the moment I decide that I can’t sleep in my room or I will harm myself and I won’t be able to control how far this will go, so I moved to a open place in which everybody had acces to and decided to stay there.
Once I was there after ten minutes it went to hell again, I did something wrong, so my mistakes and panicked so fucking hard that my head had the worst thoughts of the day.
That was the point I could not control myself anymore, the moment in which my head wanted to harm itself, but I still did not, I held back not for me but for my mother and the person I so deeply love. That was the moment I called my friend and thanks god he was there for me.
I survived the night and the net day even thought I had to control myself with biting, I bit myself till my head was free and it helped but that is not a solution.
I need to change somehow, I have no Idea how but I will change.
I want to change for all the people I love so I have to start today.
It is time I learn to control the thunder.
Picture by Simon Rae
Text by Patrick Claus Paolucci